this temptation

We got back from NFA yesterday after driving through the night in a too-small car. Needless to say, I spent most of the time since catching up on sleep, avoiding automobiles at all costs, and being spoiled by Jon. Apparently I was missed.

I wound up breaking to Quarterfinals in Info. Very surprising since I'd spent the entire ride down to NFA memorizing my new Info, and yet I decided to do the old one 30 minutes before the round started. Curt was pretty pissed that I'd changed the plan at the last minute, but he can't complain. I was the only break our team had. I can't possibly convey the depth of my sadness upon not breaking in Persuasion, Crit, or Poetry. I was initially merely confused, but as the realization set in that this had been my last chance to get out in college forensics, the tears became hard to fight. And while I had promised Jon that I wouldn't call crying and blubbering, I couldn't help it. I've never wanted anything that badly, and not getting it was just too painful.

Georgia was beautiful. The people were fascinating, and even though we didn't bring a big team, I still managed to have fun. My camera is filled with photos of the trees, rivers, houses, churches and gravestones we found. Visually, this was the most enjoyable tournament I've been to. I would go back Rome in a heartbeat.

So I leave tomorrow for IOA. My last tournament as a competitor. My favorite event. No pressure.

I walked outside this morning to discover that it was snowing. In April. And 2 weeks ago I was bouncing around in shorts and tank tops. Crazy.

I saw some old high school friends at the Mudlounge last night. I love being able to reconnect with my old buds and see how they're doing, and it makes me really happy to see that they're doing well. Oh, and I'm probably the only person ever to get excited about this, but I witnessed real live karaoke for the very first time. It was just as I had imagined it. If only I had the guts to get up there myself...

Okay, so Thursday was my boss's birthday. I didn't know about it until 5pm that evening because as I was sitting at my desk, happily typing addresses, he invited one of my co-workers over to his house Friday evening for a birthday party. He also explained that everyone else would be there. He said nothing to me about it. Acted like I wasn't even in the room. So I went about my merry way, finishing up my work, and then I ran home and called Jon to make plans for Friday night. I wasn't mad, per se, but I did feel a bit snubbed being the only one not invited. No worries, though. I found out today that Aaron went to the party. That's why I wasn't invited. Kinda sucks that I got left out, but I'm glad I was spared the awkwardness that would have surely ensued.

So last night, Jon and I went to Gallery Bistro. I puffy heart their Chicken Rosemary. Yum! We also grabbed drinks at the MudLounge before finding Lauren at the Outland where Justin's band was playing. It was a pretty cool show, but the entire time I was really nervous that the floor would collapse. I worry about really dumb things.

I also found out last night that Ben isn't going to NFA. Yet another person I won't get to hang out with at Nationals. This sucks.

Okay, I have to admit that my recent happiness has faded a bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm still plenty happy, it's just that I'm realizing that this is my new normal. And I pray that this normal never gets boring.

I don't really know how to explain the recent lack of blog posts. I guess it's probably because there's so much of my life that I'd like to remain private. Or maybe it's because things have been happening that I can't really explain and don't know how to feel about.

I've been pretty bummed recently about certain individuals quitting the Drury debate team. I know that we'll always be friends and I wish them luck on whatever team they find themselves on, but it breaks my heart that I've worked for the past three years to build up a team, only to watch it crumble before my eyes. I'm afraid that there might not be anyone for me to coach next year, because I love forensics more than anything and I still want to be involved even if I'm not competing. Hopefully we'll get some freshmen next year.

I've copied all of my MySpace poetry to a new blog. The link is over on the right. Check it out if you want.

My entire family is gone this weekend, so I have the house all to myself. My parents are in Nashville for Jocelyn's colorguard thing, and Larry is somewhere in Arkansas for baseball. It's just me and Kiwi. I've never noticed how huge our house is before now. I guess it's probably due to the fact that I decided to clean the entire house this weekend, and I'm now fully appreciating the amount of work I have ahead of me. But I'm nearly halfway done, and I'm having fun, so it's all good.

Last weekend I decided to take a break from going out. It's just not as fun as it used to be, and I hate going out and being disappointed. Hopefully a few weeks away will make me enjoy it again. So my family is gone, Jon is off camping this weekend, my bosses and one co-irker are on vacations, I'm not going out at all with the girls, and I'm completely alone all weekend. It's nice to finally have some peace and quiet.

I think I'm gonna go to Las Vegas sometime this summer. My older brother was supposed to come to Springfield in June for my wedding, but since it's cancelled, I don't know if he is still planning on coming. And I haven't seen him in forever, and he's getting married soon, and it's been years since I went to Vegas, and I'm 21 now so I can do everything there, and I think I really need to get away from Springfield for a while to recharge. (Holy run on sentences, Batman!)

I finished 2 poems the other day. They're up on MySpace. Jon said he likes them. :-)

Blegh. I hate this. I've started 5 poems in the last 2 weeks, and I'm completely stumped. I'm afraid I'll never finish them. It's almost as if my brain can only be creative for a limited number of words, and then it just kinda stops.

But the funny thing is that I'm back in the kitchen in full force again. I spent 7 hours yesterday making candy and cookies for the debaters, and I felt like I couldn't get enough of it. I just keep getting more ideas on recipes and ways to alter them, and I'm afraid my creativity may have shifted from poetry to food. Not like it's a bad thing, though. Well...unless I decide to eat all the stuff I make.

I was at MSU last night to judge IEs, and I brought my leather jacket (the really nice one made from lambs). It was pretty cold outside. I didn't end up judging anything due to my affiliations with both Kickapoo and Greenwood, so I basically just hung out with various people. At one point, I went up to the balconyish second floor of Craig Hall to talk with Brandy before awards. I stood at the edge of the balcony the entire time, watching my coat and purse (which I'd left in a chair with all of the Greenwood team's stuff - including laptops and many other personal items). When Jon informed me that awards were about to begin, I took one last look to make sure my stuff was still there. It was. However, in the 20 seconds it took me to get down the stairs, my favorite jacket had disappeared. I haven't seen it since. Nothing else was missing from the Greenwood kids' stuff...no laptops, coats, purses, or anything. Just my jacket. I am sick about it. My mom (who bought the jacket) told me this morning that she would have never spent that much money on herself, but she bought the jacket for me only because I loved it so much. And now it's gone. Ugh...I'm gonna start crying again.

Words cannot describe the pure joy I feel right now. I have been extremely happy for the last week, and I can't really pinpoint the source of my happiness. And the best part of it is that I really don't care why I'm happy...I'm just grateful that I am.

It could be the recent decision I've made to be a bit more private about a few things. I used to tell everyone everything about my life, and now I'm finally seeing the value of privacy. And some secrets are just too good to share with anyone else. It's nice to not feel the need to tell my friends every juicy detail in order to relive an experience. I feel strangely liberated.

I wish I was writing more poetry though. That's the downside of happiness: I'm too busy enjoying it to write. Meh, I'm not gonna be all sad about it. :-)

This entire week has been completely unreal. I've felt every possible human emotion at some point during the past 5 days, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Sunday was absolutely miserable, and I'm happy to say that things have improved drastically from then. The boy thing has been a huge factor in my mood recently. Jess is happy! Sorry I can't go into more detail of excatly what's going on with the boy thing, but I need to protect the innocent.

In other news, I need to buy a Wii. I played one for the first time last night, and it was awesome. Jon kicked my ass at both bowling and golf, but it was my first time so hopefully with practice I'll get better. I don't like to lose.

We got back from Liberty last night and I really didn't feel like writing then, but I think I'd better post something.

Drury finally won 1st in overall sweeps. I think it's the first time we've ever done this at any tournament, and I'm super proud that it happened at State my senior year. I wound up getting 6th in POI, 6th in ADS, 2nd in Oratory, 1st in CA, and 4th in pentath. Apparently my ADS was too offensive, and the judges in Finals couldn't handle the p-word. Sorry!

This state has got some amazing people in it, and I'm reminded of that every year at the State tournament. I'm really gonna miss competing next year.

In other news, I'm finally, completely single. I let go last night of the last of the dozen or so guys I've been considering recently, and I must say that I feel fine. Maybe now I can think clearly about stuff again, now that I'm not worrying about boys all the time.

I'm leaving for State today. I have 7 events: Oratory, CA, ADS, Info, POI, Poetry, and Prose. I really want to win Pentath this year, so wish me luck!

I survived.

I began the day in a really positive mood. I'd actually convinced myself that I would celebrate my freedom because I had "chosen" to be single on Valentine's day. I had no obligations to spend time with anyone, I didn't have to worry about buying gifts, and I had no reason to be disappointed about not getting anything. Most of my other single friends planned to spend the day being lonely, but I was gonna be the one who would find a way to be happy in spite of my lack of a partner. I even splurged at the beauty store and spent $100 on a new hair straightener and other girly stuff so I could pamper myself all evening.

It didn't happen, because at some point in the afternoon I hit a brick wall. And I realized that everyone else had someone to give them roses, or take them out to dinner, or some other romantic gesture. So my sister and I planned to see a movie. Not just any movie though, a romantic comedy. As if I wasn't miserable already. We wound up not going (my attempt to avoid long lines and happy couples), so I found myself at Target doing errands. As I stood in line behind a lady buying loads of pink and red stuff, I gazed into my own basket. Shampoo, bodywash, razors, tampons, and hairspray. I didn't have time to run back and grab a tube of cookie dough in order to complete my LonelyGirl Kit, but it was painfully obvious (at least to me and the checker) that I had no date. And as I walked through the parking lot, I saw a couple holding hands and skipping, yes skipping, to the store entrance. If I had a paintball gun I would have pelted them with pink and red paintballs to show them how much I appreciated them. I went home and watched American Idol with my mom and ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Okay, not a whole pint, but I did eat right out of the container for effect.

So all in all, I guess it turned out just the way most people expect it to. I just next year isn't as bad.

I was not enrolled in classes for this semester until 9 minutes ago. Shh...don't tell my mom!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I haven't been single on that day in 7 years. This is going to be weird.

I can't believe I'm about to do this, but here goes everything:

There was a new guy at the bar last night
Well, at least he was new to me.
(Thank you NBC.)
He spoke with a smoky Carolina twang
As he proclaimed,
"You're the cutest thing I ever did see."
Good to know, dude.

I asked him a question,
It had been bugging us girls all evening.
"Are you really married to a Britney Spears impersonator?"
Jason had told Lauren about it,
And Lauren told the rest of us,
So it must be the truth.
It was.
Or, at least, he said it was true.
His wife made a living looking like Britney Spears.
Lauren says he could pass for KFed,
But I disagree.
He said he does Jerry Lee Lewis down in Branson.
That explains the hair.
Trust me, it was amazing.

Abby said he's 31,
And that he told her he wasn't married.
He wasn't wearing a ring.
She said that he said
That he just tells people he's married.
The Britney thing sure makes for a good story.

I noticed when he spoke to me
That there was something familiar about him.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
He reminded me of happy times,
Of creativity,
Of sweetness.
There was something exotic about the way he smelled,
But I just couldn't place it.
It hit me when he kissed me:
It was Christmas.
The man tasted like Christmas.
Okay, I know I must sound like a complete
Raving lunatic, but please,
Bear with me.
Here I was,
Telling this stranger that he tasted
Like a holiday.
"Well, it's better than tastin' like beer and Jäger."
Okay.
After several minutes of trying to save face,
I decided that he tasted like molasses.
(Molasses goes in gingerbread…
Gingerbread means Christmas...)
It didn't help.

But he looked like sunshine,
Like California sunshine.
Apparently this also only made sense to me.
He was tan,
Slightly aging,
And that bleached blonde hair gave him the surfer look.
No one else agreed.

He asked me to take him home,
But I couldn't do it.
Not because he was married,
Or because I was tired,
Or even because he was way too old for me,
But because I couldn't sleep with
Jerry Lee Lewis,
Britney's husband,
The gingerbread man
Who looked like sunshine
And tasted like Christmas.

No one would believe me.

I'm taking the GA position.

In other news, I'm finally able to think rationally about guys. I did the middle school thing last night where I made a list of all the guys I was considering, and then I listed the pros and cons for each of them. Several names were crossed off entirely. And while I realize that this is a really horrible way of making these decisions, I feel like I'm making progress. The really bizarre thing is that for 3 of the guys, I wrote "i don't like him at all" in the "cons" column. Indeed, I am a very confused little girl.

I'm going out with the girls tonight. I don't really want to, but I think I need to get out of the house and socialize for once. This weather has really brought down my mood. It feels like late November outside. Not the holiday spirit-filled November, either... it's like 3 days after Thanksgiving when all the food is gone, but your relatives are still around to bug the shit out of you, and all the joy has been sucked out of the air, and all I have to look forward to is a colorless, grey winter. I just hope no one hits on me.

7 events is a lot for a tournament. The only thing worse is 8 events...at State. And I think I'm heading in that direction. I'm probably gonna die trying, but I figure I should pour myself into this while I still can and help out my team as much as possible during my final State appearance.

Curt offered me the GA position last night, and I have until tomorrow to decide if I want it. I never considered getting my Master's before, but some part of me wants to go for it. I never thought I could really leave the world of forensics, and I'd always wanted to help coach after I graduated, but now I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I still love the idea of coaching, but I just have a hard time believing that the people on this team could respect me as a coach or even listen to my advice, even if I had the official position. Jon is leaving behind some pretty big shoes to fill, and I'm more than a little concerned that I'd fail miserably, at least compared to him.

I haven't written anything in a while. I guess my thoughts are just too fractured and confused to put down on paper. It would just end up a horrible mess. Things have been extremely topsy-turvy in my life for the past, oh, week and a half. I don't think I can really explain why, but it seems as though every facet of my life is being altered in one way or another, and I'm being forced to question things that were previously so simple and clear. I'm not sure where I stand with several people right now, and the hardest thing for me to admit is that I'm honestly not sure where I stand with myself.

I've been reading a lot of poetry from other countries recently, and I really think it's had a huge impact on the way I write. There was one North Korean poem that nearly had me in tears a few days ago, and I honestly can't explain why. It's amazing how understanding the context in which a poem was written can change the way you read it.

Falling Persimmons
Byungu Chon

Persimmons fall
thump, thump,
where the demarcation line cuts
across the weedy hill, above the Kwansan ferry.

The owner's gone;
only the house remains.
For many years, the persimmons have ripened
in solitude and fallen mercilessly on the earth.

If I stretched out my arm, I could pick
the ripe red persimmons.
But the barbed wire fence along the demarcation line
cuts my heart, keeps me from taking even a step.
O, persimmon tree!
you also suffer from division.
I wonder when the day will come
for the owner to return, climb your green boughs,
and harvest you in happiness.

The girls in this village used to marry
before the feasting table
on which were heaped delicious persimmons
then cross the Imjin River, bound for Paju.
Now wrinkles have furrowed
faces once as red as persimmons.

Where have they gone - the girls of yesterday?
I search for them across the river - in vain.
The persimmons I touch in dream
thump in my heart.

Calling for the owner, for unification,
the persimmons
cut into this land
thump, thump.

I deleted the "old" thistemptation way back in September or October for several reasons:
1. I really didn't think anyone read it
2. Aaron did read it and he got pissed about some of the stuff I'd written
3. It reminded me of how dumb I can be sometimes
So now I'm back with a new (and hopefully improved) version of thistemptation. I don't care if anyone reads it, Aaron isn't allowed to get mad about what I post anymore, and i'm becoming increasingly okay with my own dumbness. So hopefully, I'll be able to sustain this one for a while.

I'm not sure what exactly I'll do with it, probably just write about whatever inspires me at the moment. Not too terribly different from before. Okay. This is getting awkward. I'm gonna end this now.