this temptation

This entire week has been completely unreal. I've felt every possible human emotion at some point during the past 5 days, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Sunday was absolutely miserable, and I'm happy to say that things have improved drastically from then. The boy thing has been a huge factor in my mood recently. Jess is happy! Sorry I can't go into more detail of excatly what's going on with the boy thing, but I need to protect the innocent.

In other news, I need to buy a Wii. I played one for the first time last night, and it was awesome. Jon kicked my ass at both bowling and golf, but it was my first time so hopefully with practice I'll get better. I don't like to lose.

We got back from Liberty last night and I really didn't feel like writing then, but I think I'd better post something.

Drury finally won 1st in overall sweeps. I think it's the first time we've ever done this at any tournament, and I'm super proud that it happened at State my senior year. I wound up getting 6th in POI, 6th in ADS, 2nd in Oratory, 1st in CA, and 4th in pentath. Apparently my ADS was too offensive, and the judges in Finals couldn't handle the p-word. Sorry!

This state has got some amazing people in it, and I'm reminded of that every year at the State tournament. I'm really gonna miss competing next year.

In other news, I'm finally, completely single. I let go last night of the last of the dozen or so guys I've been considering recently, and I must say that I feel fine. Maybe now I can think clearly about stuff again, now that I'm not worrying about boys all the time.

I'm leaving for State today. I have 7 events: Oratory, CA, ADS, Info, POI, Poetry, and Prose. I really want to win Pentath this year, so wish me luck!

I survived.

I began the day in a really positive mood. I'd actually convinced myself that I would celebrate my freedom because I had "chosen" to be single on Valentine's day. I had no obligations to spend time with anyone, I didn't have to worry about buying gifts, and I had no reason to be disappointed about not getting anything. Most of my other single friends planned to spend the day being lonely, but I was gonna be the one who would find a way to be happy in spite of my lack of a partner. I even splurged at the beauty store and spent $100 on a new hair straightener and other girly stuff so I could pamper myself all evening.

It didn't happen, because at some point in the afternoon I hit a brick wall. And I realized that everyone else had someone to give them roses, or take them out to dinner, or some other romantic gesture. So my sister and I planned to see a movie. Not just any movie though, a romantic comedy. As if I wasn't miserable already. We wound up not going (my attempt to avoid long lines and happy couples), so I found myself at Target doing errands. As I stood in line behind a lady buying loads of pink and red stuff, I gazed into my own basket. Shampoo, bodywash, razors, tampons, and hairspray. I didn't have time to run back and grab a tube of cookie dough in order to complete my LonelyGirl Kit, but it was painfully obvious (at least to me and the checker) that I had no date. And as I walked through the parking lot, I saw a couple holding hands and skipping, yes skipping, to the store entrance. If I had a paintball gun I would have pelted them with pink and red paintballs to show them how much I appreciated them. I went home and watched American Idol with my mom and ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Okay, not a whole pint, but I did eat right out of the container for effect.

So all in all, I guess it turned out just the way most people expect it to. I just next year isn't as bad.

I was not enrolled in classes for this semester until 9 minutes ago. Shh...don't tell my mom!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I haven't been single on that day in 7 years. This is going to be weird.

I can't believe I'm about to do this, but here goes everything:

There was a new guy at the bar last night
Well, at least he was new to me.
(Thank you NBC.)
He spoke with a smoky Carolina twang
As he proclaimed,
"You're the cutest thing I ever did see."
Good to know, dude.

I asked him a question,
It had been bugging us girls all evening.
"Are you really married to a Britney Spears impersonator?"
Jason had told Lauren about it,
And Lauren told the rest of us,
So it must be the truth.
It was.
Or, at least, he said it was true.
His wife made a living looking like Britney Spears.
Lauren says he could pass for KFed,
But I disagree.
He said he does Jerry Lee Lewis down in Branson.
That explains the hair.
Trust me, it was amazing.

Abby said he's 31,
And that he told her he wasn't married.
He wasn't wearing a ring.
She said that he said
That he just tells people he's married.
The Britney thing sure makes for a good story.

I noticed when he spoke to me
That there was something familiar about him.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
He reminded me of happy times,
Of creativity,
Of sweetness.
There was something exotic about the way he smelled,
But I just couldn't place it.
It hit me when he kissed me:
It was Christmas.
The man tasted like Christmas.
Okay, I know I must sound like a complete
Raving lunatic, but please,
Bear with me.
Here I was,
Telling this stranger that he tasted
Like a holiday.
"Well, it's better than tastin' like beer and Jäger."
Okay.
After several minutes of trying to save face,
I decided that he tasted like molasses.
(Molasses goes in gingerbread…
Gingerbread means Christmas...)
It didn't help.

But he looked like sunshine,
Like California sunshine.
Apparently this also only made sense to me.
He was tan,
Slightly aging,
And that bleached blonde hair gave him the surfer look.
No one else agreed.

He asked me to take him home,
But I couldn't do it.
Not because he was married,
Or because I was tired,
Or even because he was way too old for me,
But because I couldn't sleep with
Jerry Lee Lewis,
Britney's husband,
The gingerbread man
Who looked like sunshine
And tasted like Christmas.

No one would believe me.

I'm taking the GA position.

In other news, I'm finally able to think rationally about guys. I did the middle school thing last night where I made a list of all the guys I was considering, and then I listed the pros and cons for each of them. Several names were crossed off entirely. And while I realize that this is a really horrible way of making these decisions, I feel like I'm making progress. The really bizarre thing is that for 3 of the guys, I wrote "i don't like him at all" in the "cons" column. Indeed, I am a very confused little girl.

I'm going out with the girls tonight. I don't really want to, but I think I need to get out of the house and socialize for once. This weather has really brought down my mood. It feels like late November outside. Not the holiday spirit-filled November, either... it's like 3 days after Thanksgiving when all the food is gone, but your relatives are still around to bug the shit out of you, and all the joy has been sucked out of the air, and all I have to look forward to is a colorless, grey winter. I just hope no one hits on me.

7 events is a lot for a tournament. The only thing worse is 8 events...at State. And I think I'm heading in that direction. I'm probably gonna die trying, but I figure I should pour myself into this while I still can and help out my team as much as possible during my final State appearance.

Curt offered me the GA position last night, and I have until tomorrow to decide if I want it. I never considered getting my Master's before, but some part of me wants to go for it. I never thought I could really leave the world of forensics, and I'd always wanted to help coach after I graduated, but now I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, I still love the idea of coaching, but I just have a hard time believing that the people on this team could respect me as a coach or even listen to my advice, even if I had the official position. Jon is leaving behind some pretty big shoes to fill, and I'm more than a little concerned that I'd fail miserably, at least compared to him.

I haven't written anything in a while. I guess my thoughts are just too fractured and confused to put down on paper. It would just end up a horrible mess. Things have been extremely topsy-turvy in my life for the past, oh, week and a half. I don't think I can really explain why, but it seems as though every facet of my life is being altered in one way or another, and I'm being forced to question things that were previously so simple and clear. I'm not sure where I stand with several people right now, and the hardest thing for me to admit is that I'm honestly not sure where I stand with myself.